Err Marshals

Quietly this weekend, the Transportation Security Administration (you know, the people who frisk your 90-year old meemaw and your 6-year old daughter for any dangerous contraband at the airport) announced that they had fired eight Air Marshals after an investigation that began in February concluded that these eight drank alcohol during lunch while attending training.  This was in violation of agency policy and comes on the heels of the Secret Service prostitution debacle in Colombia.  The information came from one of their own – another Air Marshal that was present at the time.

So, these were federal law enforcement officers, several of which were armed at the time and at least one of which was a supervisory marshal, drinking alcohol on duty in a public place and in clear violation of agency policy.  One might conclude that this shouldn’t be all that controversial a decision.  One would be wrong…

Well that seems a little harsh for an extra “o”…

Yeah…thanks for not naming any agencies.  Mighty big of you.

Hmmm.  I’m not really sure that “changing oil” is in the TSA’s job description so it’s good you don’t go there for oil changes.  I mean, I don’t go to Jiffy Lube for ice cream either but I’ve never done that because they have “no standards.”

Interesting point “KnowerFact.”  I remember my momma always told me, “Sonny, if you want to be rich and famous you best be working on becoming a government worker.  The public holds them in the highest regard and they always score the most tail.”

A month?!?  You think this stuff writes itself “Karsim”?  Hell, I’m having trouble getting one crappy blog post out of it, no thanks to you.

Thanks for clueing us in “azcat87.”  We probably wouldn’t have been able to pick up on it from the exclamation point with no more words following it.

Well, hell.  Maybe this stuff does write itself.  Takes one to know one, “Drunkin Mom.”

You don’t drink by choice?  Does this mean you drink by force?  So sad…

I’m a dolt, he’s a dolt, she’s a dolt…when did we become a society that can’t tell the difference being committing a crime and violating a workplace policy?  They were fired, not arrested…you dolt.

Yeah, cause that’s the same thing.  Thanks “Paul Statz” for finishing us off with something totally irrelevant to the discussion.

Be Reasonable.

Miami Heat

Weeks before the NBA finals even started there was another event involving Miami and heat; namely the USS Miami, an LA-class submarine, caught fire while in dry-dock undergoing repairs.

It turns out that the source of the fire was determined to be a vacuum cleaner and by the time the fire was put out, it had caused over $400 million in damage to the nuclear-powered sub.  Naturally this news could not come at a worse time to the US taxpayer…

Well, to be fair, all four of you make completely idiotic arguments.

Really “YourMom”?  You’re going to take a story about $400M in damages to a sub to take a gratuitous shot at a person’s religious customs?

Wow, “cnnloudmouth”…that is quite a little conspiracy you’ve got going there.  Let me guess -- Obama’s a Kenyan, Bush brought down the World Trade Center, and the ATF sent guns to drug cartels in mexico to track how drug cartels in mexico get their guns, right?  Wait, what?

“Jon” I am really sorry that you were treated so poorly by some Chief during your time in the service, but this isn’t about you.  It’s about a damn rogue vacuum cleaner…

Kirby, pipe down or I’ll have you cleaning out the septic system!

Alright “Gary” I will write the funny comments around here, thank you.

Well, that’s funny too “Cam.”  See, because it was caused by a vacuum, which in a man’s world is only operated by a woman, so therefore…see, I get it?  Too bad “davidabarak” and “Cheese Wonton” didn’t.
Okay, is there anyone who wants to take this completely off-topic?

Well done.  I knew you guys had it in you…go ahead and map that out.  We went from a tragic fire in a submarine caused by a household appliance, to fascism, to a Chinese plot, and ended with a rant about abortion.  Excellent work!

“If you don’t have the sence of intellegence.   Then keep your fingers off the keyboard!!!!!!”  Oh “Chipster,” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Be Reasonable.

Fathers And Sons

Today is Father’s Day.  I happen to be a father; have been for 21 years.  But today is really not about me.  It’s about my children and the pride and joy that they have brought to me as a father.  There aren’t any funny/strange comments today, and there will be no snide remarks.  Today my comments are all for my sons.

I have much to be grateful for; both of my sons are strong in mind, body, and spirit.  They have grown into beautiful young men and are making their way in the world.  They are smart, thoughtful, funny, and surround themselves with good friends who have the same nature.  These are all of the things parents wish for their children.

Before my oldest was born I felt the pressure of being the last male in my family tree.  An older cousin had a daughter later in life, so it was up to me to carry on the family name.  When my eldest was born, my thoughts turned not to carrying on the family name but to the kind of person he was going to be.  I had thoughts of playing catch, teaching him my love for sports, and watching him grow into a fine young man – doing something great with his life and making me proud.  All of those thoughts came true.

When my youngest was born – a second son – three years later, I had the same thoughts but now they were doubled.  I envisioned them growing up as best friends, watching out for each other, and turning double-plays on the baseball diamond together.

The relationship between fathers and sons is sometimes difficult.  When they’re young, sons want to grow up to be just like their fathers while fathers dream of their sons being something greater.  As the years pass and the sons grow both physically and mentally, a competition emerges.  Now the sons want to become their own man, walk their own path, and fathers begin to worry their sons aren’t doing things the “right way” because they’re not doing it “their way.”  Eventually they both come to their senses – fathers learn to enjoy the transformation that is happening as their sons grow from boys to men, and sons occasionally throw the old man a bone and ask him for advice.

My sons have both given me years of joy (mixed with a little consternation along the way) and have each found and cultivated their individual talents.  It came on me suddenly one day that my eldest had surpassed my baseball skills as a sophomore in high school.  I watched him at practice and it dawned on me that I had no more that I could teach him, but I also experienced the joy of observing that he played the game exactly as I had taught him; only better.

My youngest was not only a good athlete but had talents in music and acting that I could not teach.  I continuously watched from the audience in amazement at his skills over the years, through many school plays and community theatre projects.  I graciously accepted the kind words of strangers as they told me how talented he was, and I fumbled to express that I really had nothing to do with it.

There is one memory that stays with me constantly now.  On opening day of the 2009 high school baseball season I watched my oldest son, a senior, jog out to his customary position at shortstop…and jogging next to him was his younger brother, a freshman, taking his position at second base.  It didn’t matter that they didn’t turn a double-play because in that moment, watching them jog out together, was all that I dreamt.

Yesterday, as Father’s Day weekend was starting, my sons were on my mind more than usual.  The youngest, a recent high school graduate, had received in the mail his final acceptance to the Honors College of the university he will attend beginning in the fall.  The eldest, now a combat medic in the U.S. Army, moments later landed safely back home after a year-long deployment in the desert.  They are making their way and making me proud.

Happy Father’s Day to me!

Killer 3-way

I like sex as much as the next guy but I am one of those rare guys (if all other guys are to be believed) that does not get all hot-and-bothered at the thought of having sex with more than one woman at a time…seems like too much work to me, not to mention that I’d have to share my Oreos with even more people – not doing it. (Yes, I make references to past blog posts…you’re going to have to keep up people!)

But apparently there are plenty of people who will engage in this…ahem…”activity.”  Like the recent story about an Atlanta police officer who died while having sex with a woman and…another man.

That’s not even the punch-line.  Turns out the woman involved wasn’t the cop’s wife.

That’s still not the punch line.  Turns out he had a heart condition that he saw a specialist about but said specialist neglected to advise him to stay away from strenuous activity – such as a ménage-a-trois – and ol’ Porky (har!) had a heart attack and died.  I am not making that up.  I am also not making up the fact that his wife (the one he cheated on with Dick and Jane) sued the cardiologist and won: 3 million dollars!  Let’s see what the interwebs thinks of this:

Well played “Kenneth Conner”…he was a cop, so he was trained to double-tap (if I ain’t being too subtle.)

Now, now, “John Thomas” are you really going to bring politics into this?  Besides, everyone knows that Dick Cheney had no heart (or hart)…

Huh-huh…he said “load”

Okay, okay, is there anybody who can say anything non-sexual?

Seriously?  You ask someone a question about a story that you’re commenting on but haven’t read?  Hey “Paul Thompson” how bout you save us all some time and SCROLL THE EFF UP AND READ!

Hold on there “Al Oliver.” Do what you must as long as it’s not blogging about the non-thinkers.  That’s my job.

And “Sandra Bell Calhoune” you will be judged by a jury of your peers.

Are you saying that without this one woman there would be no sex at all in the world?  Holy Crap…she must be a bigger slut than I thought.

She first tried to knit her but those needles are too long.  Look, I don’t know what your definition of “partying” is, but I guess it doesn’t involve a 3-way, huh?

Okay, I don’t really have a point here this week, I just happened to find this story amusing and the comments even more so…but I have to admit that “Steve Fernandez” of Austin, Texas, you have just become my favorite internet commenter with this gem:

Be Reasonable

Come Uppin's

Tomato, To-mah-to…Comeuppance, Come Uppin’s

One of the great joys of being an insatiable reader of internet comments is that certainty of intellectual superiority I get when I stumble on a comment that has clearly been written by an idiot adult, but could have been written more intelligently by a third grader. There I’ll be, sitting at my computer in sweat pants that haven’t been washed in a week, my gut hanging out and collecting Cheetos dust and Oreo crumbs, when I encounter a comment string filled with misspelled words and woefully inadequate commands of English, and I think, “Huh. Well, at least I’m better off than that guy.”

Come on, people—BE REASONABLE! Is it too much to ask for you to look up words you don’t know!

Years ago, I was reading a food and beverage blog post about different coffee drinks. One commenter wanted to know if anyone had a recipe for a “café ole,” not only misspelling “café au lait,” but giving it a different nationality altogether. What’s funny about comments like this is that it becomes impossible to even focus on the point of the comment (in this case, a request for a beverage recipe) because you’re too lost in all the subtler implications provided by the unwitting commenter.

How about you and I put on some comfy sweatpants, let our guts hang out, grab a bag of Cheetos or Oreos, and bask in the soft glow of intellectual superiority:

In this CNN story about Queen Elizabeth, the queen’s cousin defends Elizabeth’s unwillingness to travel to London after Diana’s 2007 death. "Susan Crofoot Davis" was none too impressed:

Yeah, Susan—the queen got hers, alright—and look at how awesome and smart and superior you appear for pointing it out! You go, girl—follow that royal pagentry!

Now put down those Oreos (trust me) and have a look at this here comment from an article on Slate about (seriously) DIY urban animal slaughter:

Wow, "Jamn." Even though I have to take issue with your ambivalent reference to the Whizbang chickenplucker (I simply cannot live without mine!), let me be the first to thank you for your meaty, er, meety commentary.

And in other fowl news…(sorry)…check out this comment from a TIME article about “As Seen On TV” products that really work. TIME declares that the Nuwave Oven is worth 130 of your hard-earned dollars; "topaz75" begs to differ:

Regurgiating. Commerical. Successfuly. Words like this piss me off so much I could punch a whole in a hole turkey.

In other news, Huffington Post reports that Obama will not extend Bush-era tax cuts. "sillygames," however, is leary of this…

Go ahead. Re-read that. Tell me if one bit of it makes sense. I know, right? Toooooootal dissapointment.

Dissapointment is relative, though. Don’t believe me? That sentence above will look as clear as a spring day in Pleasantville after you try to wrap your head around the following comment from "delta209" in an MSN article about cheap-to-own luxury cars.

Don’t look now, Sarah Palin—I mean, "delta209"—but there’s a slight possibility that, even as you’re calling other people out for being “stupid,” you may have actually exposed someone a little closer to home.

Come uppin’s: we all get ours eventually.

Be Reasonable

Supertongue

I came across this little guy while I was browsing through my interweb sites yesterday and stopped and stared…mouth agape.  This little bugger, the Ecuadorian long-tongued bat, is just 6.5 centimeters long but has a tongue that is 9 centimeters long.  That's it stretching down the length of the test tube.

 
This allows “Batty, the supertongue wonder” to reach the nectar in the very bottom of some of the indigenous, long-fluted flowers of his native land.  Some might consider that an evolutionary miracle (if that’s not mixing philosophies).  Doing quick calculations with my limited math skills, that is roughly equivalent to a 6-foot-tall man having a nearly 9-foot-long tongue.  Yeah, ponder that for just one second…

I don’t actually know that has been studied "Dave DiMaio" but it’s certainly worth investigating, yes.

You mean besides choke yourself to death?  Ladies don’t push, there is plenty of "Bruce Mort" to go around…

Well now, "Rebecca Phillips" I think that you might have wandered over from Saturday’s post on Zombies, but your comment is certainly more germane to this discussion than it was to the Miami face-eater.
Anyone want to make a non-sexual comment?

Nothing but low-hanging fruit here, so-to-speak.

C’mon let’s mix it up a little, anyone want to make an uninformed comment about evolution being “just a theory”?

There ya go.  I knew it was in there somewhere; and we’re off…

Uhhh, "Steve Zarycki," I’d like to take a little detour here and point out the irony of saying “you cannot fix stupid” in the same post that you used “lerned” and “grese.”  Way to prove your point.

Okay.  Back to the action…

Well, all of this bible vs. evolution talk is certainly a waste of time…errr, I mean, interesting.  I at least give you all credit for presenting your points somewhat reasonably, but I want to point out that we’re talking about a creature here that has a tongue 1.5 times the length of its body.  I think "William Moore" sums it up quite well.

Exactly.

Be Reasonable.

Zombies!

In case you aren’t aware, the human race currently stands at the precipice of a ‘zombie apocalypse.’  In fact, depending upon your circle of friends, two creatures seem to dominate communication nowadays: zombies or vampires.  So, it should come as no surprise that two recent horrific news stories caught the imagination of the American public from coast-to-coast.

The first was bad enough: a man in Florida attacked a homeless man in such a violent attack that he ate…yes, ate…75% of the homeless man’s face before he was shot and killed by the Miami police.  The second involved a couple of Maryland college students, one of whom killed the other and then ate…yes, ate…the other’s heart and brain.  Zombie Apocalypse “experts” seized on these stories as proof that their favorite pastime (preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse) was more than just a lark.  Clearly this deserves some discussion:

Well, that’s an interesting argument “Gayle Bridge.”  If I understand you correctly, this could have been stopped earlier if an ordinary citizen had been armed and shot the guy, because the trained officer who was armed and shot the guy didn’t stop him?  Okay…

That makes good sense “sinbadsailor,” dispatchers waiting patiently while a caller relates their story.

“Hello, 911, what’s your emergency?”
“THERE’S A GUY EATING ANOTHER GUY’S FACE!  AUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!”
“Okay, sir, coul…”
“WAIT, I’M NOT DONE…AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!”
“Sir…”
“STILL NOT DONE….AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!”

Ummmm, you guys seriously turned a story about a guy eating a guy’s face off into a political argument?  Wow…even I think that is unbelieveable.  "AndrewCane" you agree with me don’t you?

Uhhhh…kay, way to show them how to keep your political ideology out of it Andrew.

Geez, “timdog69” I certainly hope you’re referring to the discussion and not the actual story.  Although from this comment board, I can’t really tell.

Really?  All four of you?  Back-to-back-to-back-to-back taking issue with the coverage of the story that YOU read, and then YOU commented on?  Yes, what a…waste…of…time.

WTF?  I’m very happy for you “Rebecca Phillips” but I think you might have the wrong comment string.  At least I hope you have the wrong comment string!

Okay, clearly I am not going to get any reasonable discussion on this topic.  So, vampire lovers, read your books and go to your movies; zombie experts, continue to keep the rest of safe and informed of the coming Apocalypse.

Be Reasonable