Deathbed Confession

Confession is good for the soul they say.  I have no idea who “they” are, or whether “they” are correct, but there is at least one person who took that axiom to heart.  Val Patterson wrote his own obituary which was published by the Salt Lake City Tribune after he passed away earlier this month from throat cancer.  The thing about Val’s obituary is that he…confessed…certain things.

Among the things Val confessed to (you can read his obit here if you’d like), was not actually earning the PhD that he claimed from the University of Utah, and stealing a safe from a business when he was young.  While I think some of his “confessions” are circumspect, his widow Mary Jane says they are all true, so who am I to judge?

Haha…don’t ask questions you don’t already know the answers to.

Indeed, “Markus.”  This obit actually leads to many more questions than answers.  Was he suspected before but got off?  Was it a great unsolved mystery?  Who is this masked man?  Anyone else…?

Y’know, when I was a kid I had a cat named Socks and he used to disappear after we put him in the laundry too…curious.

Right “Captain.”  Cause that’s exactly how the law works…

That IS what you get for thinking “Susan.”  Imagine if you’d have “thot” some more; you could have found the missing letters from that word.

I like your comment???

Yes, “Greg.”  You wild man from Wichita!  I bet the six people who liked your comment would be the six who would give an eff about reading your whole page confession too.

Not only does it do no good; it’s physically impossible.  Do you really think Val wrote this obituary after he was dead?

So why is that the bar for comparison then?!?  I want that deal to!  When I die I want my mistakes to be compared to Jeffrey Dahmer and the Unibomber…

Maybe “Jet” has the right idea.  We all should confess things in our obituaries, or better yet just make up lives that we never led.  In 2012 I began a blog that became wildly successful and netted me over a billion dollars in worth.  I always claimed that I worked hard to make it as a funny and entertaining as possible, even though most of the humor was derived from things other people wrote.  I often claimed that this stuff doesn’t write itself.  But the truth is: It does.

Be Reasonable.